2/11/26 2:17am
在网上看到了这么一段话，节选了一段暂时存放在这里：
“已经不太懂什么是健康的恋爱了，我不干涉对方自由，不限制对方时间，不要求消息秒回，置顶，官宣，就算对方让我不高兴了，我也从没开口要求过什么，我不纠缠于需要陪伴多久，总是故作大方的说'没事，你去忙吧。'但内心很渴望对方能陪伴我，常常与我分享，刷到关于情侣的任何照片或视频，我都会在脑海幻想这样的场景，我渴望那些真切的，能被感受到的幸福，而从来不是自己臆想出来的幸福。我希望能收到一束花，一束为我包扎的花；希望能吃到属于恋爱的蛋糕，小一点也没关系；希望对方路过我爱吃的店，看到我喜欢的东西会第一时间想到我，这样让我感觉我在被爱着。我总是憋着情绪”…

2/11/26 11:47pm
I accidentally drop something small on the ground. I hear a few bounces. I look to the ground and see nothing. I scan a wider area and see nothing. I bend over to look under the furnitures and see nothing. They always do this, fall to the ground and never be seen again. Once they exit my view, there is no hope for return. I am tired of this tomfoolery.

Location of smoke apparatus...Feline!

2/16/26 11:55am
I feel like living on the edge of an academic cliff where I'm barely hanging on, but I'm also one step, one slip, away from falling into the abyss of being behind with assignments, exams, projects, grades, and eventually the collapse of mind (and maybe body).
Take this very possible hypothetical scenario: you fall sick because you are constantly stressed, or just of bad luck. Aside from all the classwork you will miss, let's say you also have a few exams coming up because of course they do. You drag your feeble body to the desk, muster up extra strength to hold your heavy and congested head up, and spend most of your waking hours working instead of resting and healing. You finally recover after some days, and you might be glad that at least some academic progress was still being made. Kudos for being repsonsible -
but coursework doesn't slow down for you, so they pile up faster than you can complete them. You return from recovery just to find out you have more tasks to complete within a shorter period of time and exams you have yet to spend much time prepare for are rapidly appraoching.
Now comes the point where either you pull all of this off and resume balance, or you tip over the edge and become perpetually behind your work, always playing catch-up, and running on a time crunch.
(I know this is exggaeration, but one cannot deny such occurance, and as a matter of fact, I've witnessed this incidence multiple times in my life.)
To make matters worse, your grades suffer because you didn't have enough time to prepare for exams, and making a comeback becomes all the more harder because the materials are incremental and don't get easier. You may spend the rest of your semester grinding even harder just to make up for that one incidence. You end up stressing more than you would've; pouring more effort for a grade that might not be as satisfactory as it could've been.
After spending long hours sitting and toiling, you finally find time to stuff some random cold food into your mouth at 10pm as your first and last meal of the day. You collapse in bed, and a heavy drowsiness weighs over.
You drift into sleep. Your dream retraces your memories, plowing through monotonic and endless days of working working and working from awake to asleep.
You wonder how things went down this way, and your dream brings you back to that unlucky day you fell ill.

?/?/? ?:? ?
im scared im scared im scared i want help i want someone to talk to but whos going to be available at this time? or ever? who can i talk to? where can i let this all out? i can only help myself but im feeling so feeble. im struggling to sleep. im struggling to stay up. i have lost all patience. what have i done. i feel lonely but maybe because it's midnight. i dont know. i dont know who i need. i dont know what help i need. im just scared i want to scream but to where? please im so anxious and lost and confused and irritated and tired and sad and lonely i cant do this anymore i cant i cant i cant i cant nothing is helping nothing is working. i want help i want someone to talk to i feel like im going to explode i literally need to be put down. please... im scared. please let me sleep. i want a hug. a tight one. i need support.
how did it become like this? how did i get here? im scared of myself. sorry this might sound uncomfortable. im scared. of who i am. sorry. i need to rant. i dont understand myself, or anything going on around me. im lost. i need to go to bed nothing is working out. omg i just typed all of this what the hell. im losing. losing . pleaswhat is this? i want warmth. some sunshine, warm food, or a hug. a hug. please please please i want to sleep.

?/?/? ?:? ?
I don't know how much I have left in me. I dont know how long my patience will last. how are people doing this. maybe something is wrong with me. maybe im just too fragile, too incompetent, not cut out for this. I mean, literally what do I bring to the table? Anything significant? Am I worth anyone's time? Should I even keep spending time on myself? Evidently too cowarded to live but also too cowarded to die. wtf.

2/18/26 12:47am
I closed my eyes. A mysterious and familiar sense came back to me as I felt myelf shrinking and sinking inside my shell. Last time I felt like this, I was so much younger and sick in bed. It was as if I become detached from my physical form; Like a Hitchcock shot, I grew ever smaller while the spaces around me extended ever further. I released all my weight and started to float inside, like my flesh was liquified and I was drifting in a sea of warm solution. Colors started to emerge from the corner of my eyes. They morph and fade and reemerge, like the mercurial clouds put on double-speed. My consciousness slowly recedes and my mind dissolves. My eyes are strained, knees cracking, back aching, stomach twisting into a knott, and head throbbing. The only consistency in my eating and sleeping habbits and circadium rythm is that they were never consistent. I feel like a walking dead everyday. My skin is the last piece holding all the melted and rotted flesh within. With the crushing weight on my back and behind my eyes, everystep I take stretches my skin to an even thinner layer. One day, this layer would stretch so thin that a crevice forms, at which point all the gooey flesh and miasma ooze out from my pores. Nothing would burst, but everything would be squeezed out and disintergrate into a revolting puddle, seeping into the concrete below.

2/21/26 8:32pm
向人敞开心扉听起来就像个笑话。即便自己上一秒有多苦恼多委屈，一旦从口中说出来了，一切都好似变得无足轻重。好像我的烦恼和挣扎实际听起来也不过如此，在他人眼中我不过就是在无病呻吟，矫揉造作罢了。然而面对这种处境的我不光没有强大起来，反而还以微不足道的理由陷入挣扎。如此看来我没有资格痛苦，也没有理由不开心。没有人能共情，也没有任何安慰。刻意隐藏的脆弱的一面就此变成了招笑的把柄。除了让对方知道我是个软弱无能的废物以外，什么都不会带给我。揭开自己的伤口就为了博得一丝薄弱的关怀，结果换来的也只是一句轻描淡写的“这算什么，你只是。。。”。我真是个小丑。我厌恶如此矛盾的心理，但这么多年了好像也没有甩掉。向人寻求安慰索取温暖听起来越来越像个陷阱了。

3/7/26 4:34pm
我总是想说点什么，又总是欲言又止。还以为有了这个网站我可以多写一些随笔，记录自己的状态和想法。但到头来即便生活如何挣扎也有苦说不出似的。所有想倾泻的都止在了嘴边。没料到我与他人的分享欲磨灭的同时还失去了在乎自己的状态和情绪的能力。
我有点不明白自己为什么是个这么别扭的人。为什么别人好像就没有我那么高需求。是不是正常人都没有我那么迫切地渴求诸如拥抱抚摸的肢体接触，也没有我那么想要诉说一切有的没的。我并非总想抱怨。很多时候我只是想找个人说话解闷，获得一点情绪价值，听他们说一两句“没事的” 和 “你已经做得很好了”。。。怀疑自己为什么这么多事儿的同时又怕自己矫情、纯作。我真的好矛盾。

3/8/26 10:18pm
Time is slipping away between my fingers. Not sure how, not sure why. It washes me, and everyone else, into the vast ocean of unknown. It doesn't care whether we want the change, or our pets become less active over the years, or our friends drift further onto their own paths, or our parents aging and their lives narrowing down, or the childhood home falls into disrepair and gets entangled by vines, or the world wrecks apart.
One day I woke on a sunny morning. I hear quiet chatters downstairs with occasional clings from cups being placed on the counter. I jump out of bed to get ready for a playdate. The next morning I open my eyes to a separated family, rejection letters, and soul-sucking deadlines. It must've been one of those vivid and rapid dreams I have just before the alarms. I go back to sleep. The next time I wake up -
I won't.
I'm running out of time. Not sure how, not sure why.

3/10/26 2:44pm
I'm transparent in a way.

3/15/26 2:04pm
I want to lay in a prairie in the mountains or by a cliff. I want to feel the soft grass and stirdy land beneath me supporting my weight. I want to feel the breeze brushing across the land and making the grass undulate in waves of shimmering green. I want to feel the sunshine covering me like a warm blanket. I want to gaze at the sky, watching clouds high above me gently morph into shapes. I want to hear grass ruslting in the wind, birds chirping and calling in the distant. I want to feel the caress of mother earth. In return, I offer this planet nourishment for the land from my corroding bones.

4/21/26 ???
I frequently lose the sense of time. I don't know what day, what month, or what year I'm living in. I genuinely forget all metrics of time. Turn the clock 5 years back and I wouldn't have noticed a thing. Ask me what year it is and I would tell you something that is two years later than the present, without a doubt too. I'm starting to forget when my birthday was or how old I even am. I could make guesses but they were never right, and learning the real time afterwards only confuses me more.
I don't understand social ques or normal human repsonses either. I interpret people's replies in a contextually nonsensical way that normal people can only conceive of with a riddler's mindset, yet I do this naturally and inadvertently. Is it just my linguistic abilities are deteriorating? Or am I losing common sense? I also take everything for their face value so unless explicitly stated, I brush past any social ques and implications without realizing what I've been doing. Somehow I've grown more awkward instead of becoming a mature and tactful young adult. I don't know wtf is going on.

4/25/2026 ???
You're getting an intership, they're getting a job. This person received a scholarship that person is starting their own business.
Everyone is going somewhere and doing something. Except me. time passes and the longer I stay alive the more behind I am.
Hangouts become innocent showcases of progress and achievement. Reunions become reminders of time and just how much I'm falling behind. No matter how much I detested and tried to avoid being contrasted against other kids when I was little, comparison, even subtle competition, is now inevitable at my age. I feel more depressed than relieved talking to my friends, knowning that we are only gorwing further apart, they know what's going on, and their efforts are paying off. It's such a pathetic reason to be depressed about. But maybe I deserved all of this. There's never a limit to the time, effort, and sacrifices that go into making things happen. So maybe I simply didn't do enough in all aspects of life, and this is what I get.
Still, tell me about your life, your internships, your research, your academic achievements, your career success, your social life or whatever. I'm always down to hear you share your life with me. How I feel after the fact doesn't matter. So keep talking to me.

? ? ? ?
don't you think you kind of need to constantly be inside your own head, besieged by your own thoughts, to harbor such emotions and conceive of such words?

In the midst of misery
I have so much angst that I get tired of it from time to time.
I can see the serum flowing faster and separating from the blood clot and it's so interesting. if anyone wants to take a sample of my blood now is the prime time!

5/1/26 15:32
I am at my absolute fucking limits. I looked forward to buying a particular meal I have not had in a very long time. I was finally temporarily liberated from demanding businesses just 15 minutes before that place closes. I scurried over with the hope of feeding an grawling empty stomach with chicken gyro that I long anticipated.
And by grace and fortune the fire alarm just went off. 15 minutes before they close.
I did not get my long-anticipated chicken gyro and neither was I able to have lunch, which is typically my first meal.
This is my last fucking staw. Hang on there? Hang me please.
I now have an all-encompassing wrath but it comes in the form of moist eyeballs and pinch marks on my palm. And an evolving migraine. No one's in the wrong. They don't deserve unforeseen punishments.
I have nowhere else to unleash the rage except towards myself.

5/3/26
What is the point of going through all that straneous torment just to learn how incompetent you are? Surely nothing else rivals the achievement of sacrificing so much just to barely scrape past the bare minimum. I'm tired of hearing positive motivations; they don't relief anything, and neither could they instill the slightest hope in me anymore. Realistically, I put myself in this situaiton, so I deserved it all. What a shame.

5/28/26
みんなは徐々前に進んでいるそだ。生活、授業、未来の目標と努力の道、よく知ってるそだ。 逆に、私は全く知らない。どんな人になるか、どんな生活を過ごすか、なんの仕事がしたいか、すっかりわからない。 どうしてもう、みんなはそんなに先を進んでいるの？ 日々遠くなって友だちは、触れなくなった。私たちの人生は、一人ひとり異なるんだ。私と彼たちの関係は少しずつ遠くなって、話ばも少なくなった気がしている。 私だけ止まった。私だけ迷った。誰も話しかけられなかったし、誰もそばにいなかったし、ひとりぼっちじゃん。 寂しくなっている。怖がっている。恐れと悲しみは圧倒的なほどだ。 よく死亡を考えて始めった。そのまま世界から消えて、悩みも苦しみも一切なくなれる。でも正直に言えば、本当に死にたいか、それとも孤独になりたくないか。