Crumbs
Here goes the words and thoughts that don't belong elsewhere.
Sometimes I wish there was a space in which I can share anything and maybe interact with people a little. I have a friend who found his small community online, and I'd see a group of people playing games with him, chatting, and supporting him. I started to look forward to that kind of social life at one point too.
I thought it'd be nice, every once in a while, to be excited about a niche subject and have someone to share the joy with. Or just yap about life, or anything in general. My friends are nice, but they have their own lives too, and they do not have the repsonsibility of hearing me yapping about the least relevant subject ever. Keeping everyting in gets to a point, so I look for somewhere to let them out.
I don't have an online community, nor do I want to bother my friends in real life, so I will be talking to myself here.
2/11/26 2:17am 在网上看到了这么一段话，节选了一段暂时存放在这里： “已经不太懂什么是健康的恋爱了，我不干涉对方自由，不限制对方时间，不要求消息秒回，置顶，官宣，就算对方让我不高兴了，我也从没开口要求过什么，我不纠缠于需要陪伴多久，总是故作大方的说'没事，你去忙吧。'但内心很渴望对方能陪伴我，常常与我分享，刷到关于情侣的任何照片或视频，我都会在脑海幻想这样的场景，我渴望那些真切的，能被感受到的幸福，而从来不是自己臆想出来的幸福。我希望能收到一束花，一束为我包扎的花；希望能吃到属于恋爱的蛋糕，小一点也没关系；希望对方路过我爱吃的店，看到我喜欢的东西会第一时间想到我，这样让我感觉我在被爱着。我总是憋着情绪”…
2/11/26 11:47pm I accidentally drop something small on the ground. I hear a few bounces. I look to the ground and see nothing. I scan a wider area and see nothing. I bend over to look under the furnitures and see nothing. They always do this, fall to the ground and never be seen again. Once they exit my view, there is no hope for return. I am tired of this tomfoolery.
Location of smoke apparatus...Feline!
2/16/26 11:55am I feel like living on the edge of an academic cliff where I'm barely hanging on, but I'm also one step, one slip, away from falling into the abyss of being behind with assignments, exams, projects, grades, and eventually the collapse of mind (and maybe body).
Take this very possible hypothetical scenario: you fall sick because you are constantly stressed, or just of bad luck. Aside from all the classwork you will miss, let's say you also have a few exams coming up because of course they do. You drag your feeble body to the desk, muster up extra strength to hold your heavy and congested head up, and spend most of your waking hours working instead of resting and healing. You finally recover after some days, and you might be glad that at least some academic progress was still being made. Kudos for being repsonsible -
but coursework doesn't slow down for you, so they pile up faster than you can complete them. You return from recovery just to find out you have more tasks to complete within a shorter period of time and exams you have yet to spend much time prepare for are rapidly appraoching.
Now comes the point where either you pull all of this off and resume balance, or you tip over the edge and become perpetually behind your work, always playing catch-up, and running on a time crunch.
(I know this is exggaeration, but one cannot deny such occurance, and as a matter of fact, I've witnessed this incidence multiple times in my life.)
To make matters worse, your grades suffer because you didn't have enough time to prepare for exams, and making a comeback becomes all the more harder because the materials are incremental and don't get easier. You may spend the rest of your semester grinding even harder just to make up for that one incidence. You end up stressing more than you would've; pouring more effort for a grade that might not be as satisfactory as it could've been.
After spending long hours sitting and toiling, you finally find time to stuff some random cold food into your mouth at 10pm as your first and last meal of the day. You collapse in bed, and a heavy drowsiness weighs over.
You drift into sleep. Your dream retraces your memories, plowing through monotonic and endless days of working working and working from awake to asleep.
You wonder how things went down this way, and your dream brings you back to that unlucky day you fell ill.
im scared im scared im scared i want help i want someone to talk to but whos going to be available at this time? or ever? who can i talk to? where can i let this all out? i can only help myself but im feeling so feeble. im struggling to sleep. im struggling to stay up. i have lost all patience. what have i done. i feel lonely but maybe because it's midnight. i dont know. i dont know who i need. i dont know what help i need. im just scared i want to scream but to where? please im so anxious and lost and confused and irritated and tired and sad and lonely i cant do this anymore i cant i cant i cant i cant nothing is helping nothing is working. i want help i want someone to talk to i feel like im going to explode i literally need to be put down. please... im scared. please let me sleep. i want a hug. a tight one. i need support.
how did it become like this? how did i get here? im scared of myself. sorry if youre reading this youre probably scared too. of who i am. sorry for making you feel this way. i need to rant. i dont understand myself, or anything going on around me. im lost. i need to go to bed nothing is working out. omg i just typed all of this what the hell. im losing. losing . pleaswhat is this? i want warmth. some sunshine, warm food, or a hug. a hug. please please please i want to sleep.
I don't know how much I have left in me. I dont know how long my patience will last. how are people doing this. maybe something is wrong with me. maybe im just too fragile, too incompetent, not cut out for this. I mean, literally what do I bring to the table? Anything significant? Am I worth anyone's time? Should I even keep spending time on myself? Evidently yoo cowarded to live but also too cowarded to die. wtf.
2/18/26 12:47am I closed my eyes. A mysterious and familiar sense came back to me as I felt myelf shrinking and sinking inside my shell. Last time I felt like this, I was so much younger and sick in bed. It was as if I become detached from my physical form; Like a Hitchcock shot, I grew ever smaller while the spaces around me extended ever further. I released all my weight and started to float inside, like my flesh was liquified and I was drifting in a sea of warm solution. Colors started to emerge from the corner of my eyes. They morph and fade and reemerge, like the mercurial clouds put on double-speed. My consciousness slowly recedes and my mind dissolves. My eyes are strained, knees cracking, back aching, stomach twisting into a knott, and head throbbing. The only consistency in my eating and sleeping habbits and circadium rythm is that they were never consistent. I feel like a walking dead everyday. My skin is the last piece holding all the melted and rotted flesh within. With the crushing weight on my back and behind my eyes, everystep I take stretches my skin to an even thinner layer. One day, this layer would stretch so thin that a crevice forms, at which point all the gooey flesh and miasma ooze out from my pores. Nothing would burst, but everything would be squeezed out and disintergrate into a revolting puddle, seeping into the concrete below.